i have moved:
http://gennythebrave.blogspot.com
enjoy.
<3gen
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
yes we can
what a premium night on the daily show:
- drunk john oliver
- David McCullough
- new comedian
- david sedaris
- jon and stephen fighting
oh, did i mention obama won the nomination?
i was in tears.
<3gen
- drunk john oliver
- David McCullough
- new comedian
- david sedaris
- jon and stephen fighting
oh, did i mention obama won the nomination?
i was in tears.
<3gen
Monday, April 21, 2008
did you ever climb the poplar trees? did you ever throw the young birds against the stable wall?
this year has changed me. in so, so many ways.
i am reading a story about a girl in east germany, trying to define herself as part of herself and also part of her country. and when the wall comes down, who is she? when she has spent so much time defining herself as part of the GDR, part of the party, part of the movement and the stasi and everything her country promised, and now it's been torn down by the youth and their hammers, who is she now? does she have an identity outside of this revolution?
and i ask her the same question that has plagued me: how do you return to a normal that you have never had?
i must now define myself without a relationship. without love, without adoration, without a promise of someone to call, someone to come home to. it is something i have never, ever done. encountered a world alone.
this year began with the greatest heartbreak of my life. a heartbreak that neither he, nor i fully understand or ever will. there are new wounds being opened every day, just when i get the old ones mended. there are dreams or letters i write or conclusions i come to that are frightening and new. there is still so much anger, so many tears that i still have to work to leave behind. it is hard to let go of things that you can barely hold onto in the first place. each day brings new facets to the tragedy of january, ten days before my birthday, fifty-six days before a conversation with god that happened 34 days before the first day of the rest of my life.
so now i start over. i was burned up, destroyed, and now i can rebuild. every month this year seemed to take something new away from me, something that made me cry, made me afraid, made me want to give up. but it also stripped me of everything holding me back, took me down to my bare bones. perhaps god was selling off what i didn't need, sloughing off the old skin to create new. now i can create something out of the ashes of a broken spirit. now i live my life for myself, a life without a "we", without obligation or dependency, a life i have not had since i was 12. a life single.
it seems nothing new, something everyone has to go through. but for me, it is a new start that i have been afraid of my whole life. who will tell me they love me? who will tell me i'm beautiful? who will save me? now i have to do those things for myself, and i think i am finally ready to. i don't have to be sad anymore, i don't have to be angry at you anymore, i don't have to wonder or worry about trust anymore. now i will learn to take care of myself.
do i miss love? of course i miss love, it is glorious. but love does not love back, love does not care what works and what does not work. love does not make things easier. because love exists even when you don't want it to, love will not leave your doorstep when you ask it to, love will not disappear if you beg it to, love will not hide itself when you want it to make things a little easier. love does not listen.
love does not conquer all- you do.
and i am.
it was the hard to leave it behind, walk away from safety and comfort, walk away from forgiveness and easiness, walk away from everything i thought i needed to be okay. it took leaving it behind to finally see that it wouldn't kill me.
this is for me, and no one else. what matters is me, and my happiness, my independence, my survival. what matters is my path, my life, and my decisions to do great things. not held back, not tied down, and not afraid of losing anything. when all that matters is inside yourself, you can't lose anything.
<3gen
i am reading a story about a girl in east germany, trying to define herself as part of herself and also part of her country. and when the wall comes down, who is she? when she has spent so much time defining herself as part of the GDR, part of the party, part of the movement and the stasi and everything her country promised, and now it's been torn down by the youth and their hammers, who is she now? does she have an identity outside of this revolution?
and i ask her the same question that has plagued me: how do you return to a normal that you have never had?
i must now define myself without a relationship. without love, without adoration, without a promise of someone to call, someone to come home to. it is something i have never, ever done. encountered a world alone.
this year began with the greatest heartbreak of my life. a heartbreak that neither he, nor i fully understand or ever will. there are new wounds being opened every day, just when i get the old ones mended. there are dreams or letters i write or conclusions i come to that are frightening and new. there is still so much anger, so many tears that i still have to work to leave behind. it is hard to let go of things that you can barely hold onto in the first place. each day brings new facets to the tragedy of january, ten days before my birthday, fifty-six days before a conversation with god that happened 34 days before the first day of the rest of my life.
so now i start over. i was burned up, destroyed, and now i can rebuild. every month this year seemed to take something new away from me, something that made me cry, made me afraid, made me want to give up. but it also stripped me of everything holding me back, took me down to my bare bones. perhaps god was selling off what i didn't need, sloughing off the old skin to create new. now i can create something out of the ashes of a broken spirit. now i live my life for myself, a life without a "we", without obligation or dependency, a life i have not had since i was 12. a life single.
it seems nothing new, something everyone has to go through. but for me, it is a new start that i have been afraid of my whole life. who will tell me they love me? who will tell me i'm beautiful? who will save me? now i have to do those things for myself, and i think i am finally ready to. i don't have to be sad anymore, i don't have to be angry at you anymore, i don't have to wonder or worry about trust anymore. now i will learn to take care of myself.
do i miss love? of course i miss love, it is glorious. but love does not love back, love does not care what works and what does not work. love does not make things easier. because love exists even when you don't want it to, love will not leave your doorstep when you ask it to, love will not disappear if you beg it to, love will not hide itself when you want it to make things a little easier. love does not listen.
love does not conquer all- you do.
and i am.
it was the hard to leave it behind, walk away from safety and comfort, walk away from forgiveness and easiness, walk away from everything i thought i needed to be okay. it took leaving it behind to finally see that it wouldn't kill me.
this is for me, and no one else. what matters is me, and my happiness, my independence, my survival. what matters is my path, my life, and my decisions to do great things. not held back, not tied down, and not afraid of losing anything. when all that matters is inside yourself, you can't lose anything.
<3gen
Friday, April 04, 2008
Now I kinda loved two girls and now I kinda lost them both
2008 has been a marked year.
On new years' day, i was awakened by one of my best friends and my exboyfriend fondling and cooing in the wee hours of the morning- right behind my head.
In January I had to have emergency surgery. I decided to take the semester off to recuperate and work.
In February I lost the job that I had taken the semester off for.
In March, I ended my relationship of over a year with the man of my dreams.
It's April, and God knows what is around the corner.
On new years' day, i was awakened by one of my best friends and my exboyfriend fondling and cooing in the wee hours of the morning- right behind my head.
In January I had to have emergency surgery. I decided to take the semester off to recuperate and work.
In February I lost the job that I had taken the semester off for.
In March, I ended my relationship of over a year with the man of my dreams.
It's April, and God knows what is around the corner.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
those teenage hopes
do you remember when we knew absolutely nothing, but we were so sure of everything?
those were the days.
i've gotten a lot of flack lately for being 'idealistic'. i'm sure that all of my africa-loving confidants and club members have gotten the same jive from anyone they've told 'i'm gonna change the world.' it's a hefty goal, i won't lie, but i know that, and i don't think there's anything wrong with hefty goals.
whether it be my wanting to be a high school english teacher, or save africa, or write a novel, or change anything significant, people seem very quick to discourage. they tell me that i'm being 'overly optimistic' and 'not thinking about the real world' and 'setting goals too high' and that i'll 'be dissapointed.' well, i'm pretty sure that any person in the whole world who has ever done anything worth anything heard the same crap from everyone they knew. i'm sure that steinbeck heard that writing the great american novel was too great a task, and plenty of people told martin luther king that there was no point in even trying to desegregate america, and someone probably told oprah that trying to build a school in africa was a task too great to take on. in fact, i bet people told her when she was thirteen that there was no good in trying to be anything more than she was, or try to change the world, because it was never going to happen.
i'm not saying that i'm anything like any of those great people, in fact i'm saying that my goal seems insiginificant compared to theirs, and if they can achieve that sort of greatness, why can't i be a teacher? and if you think i don't understand what i'm getting myself into, or i'm being too idealistic, or i'm an idiot for wanting to change a few kid's lives, then fuck you. you don't know me and you didn't have very good teachers.
because you know what? people do it. there are teachers out there who get thanked for oscars, and who get movies made about them. there are also teachers whose name will never be in a paper, and will never be on a talk show, and who may never even hear thank you, but years later someone tells their kids 'it's all thanks to this teacher i had in high school..." maybe if it never happened, maybe if teachers never made a difference, i would believe you. but the thing is, they do. it's possible, and it's possible for me.
i would rather be idealistic than cynical. i would rather believe in good things than wait patiently for the bad. if given the choice, any day, to set my goals so high that i can never reach them or set them so low that anyone could, i would choose the first.
and in a few years, or decades, when i am doing something i love, and i feel like i've made a difference, whether everyone sees it or not, and you're complacent with where you've always been, and the way things always were, then we'll see who's happier. you will probably lie.
<3genevieve
those were the days.
i've gotten a lot of flack lately for being 'idealistic'. i'm sure that all of my africa-loving confidants and club members have gotten the same jive from anyone they've told 'i'm gonna change the world.' it's a hefty goal, i won't lie, but i know that, and i don't think there's anything wrong with hefty goals.
whether it be my wanting to be a high school english teacher, or save africa, or write a novel, or change anything significant, people seem very quick to discourage. they tell me that i'm being 'overly optimistic' and 'not thinking about the real world' and 'setting goals too high' and that i'll 'be dissapointed.' well, i'm pretty sure that any person in the whole world who has ever done anything worth anything heard the same crap from everyone they knew. i'm sure that steinbeck heard that writing the great american novel was too great a task, and plenty of people told martin luther king that there was no point in even trying to desegregate america, and someone probably told oprah that trying to build a school in africa was a task too great to take on. in fact, i bet people told her when she was thirteen that there was no good in trying to be anything more than she was, or try to change the world, because it was never going to happen.
i'm not saying that i'm anything like any of those great people, in fact i'm saying that my goal seems insiginificant compared to theirs, and if they can achieve that sort of greatness, why can't i be a teacher? and if you think i don't understand what i'm getting myself into, or i'm being too idealistic, or i'm an idiot for wanting to change a few kid's lives, then fuck you. you don't know me and you didn't have very good teachers.
because you know what? people do it. there are teachers out there who get thanked for oscars, and who get movies made about them. there are also teachers whose name will never be in a paper, and will never be on a talk show, and who may never even hear thank you, but years later someone tells their kids 'it's all thanks to this teacher i had in high school..." maybe if it never happened, maybe if teachers never made a difference, i would believe you. but the thing is, they do. it's possible, and it's possible for me.
i would rather be idealistic than cynical. i would rather believe in good things than wait patiently for the bad. if given the choice, any day, to set my goals so high that i can never reach them or set them so low that anyone could, i would choose the first.
and in a few years, or decades, when i am doing something i love, and i feel like i've made a difference, whether everyone sees it or not, and you're complacent with where you've always been, and the way things always were, then we'll see who's happier. you will probably lie.
<3genevieve
Monday, November 19, 2007
come fly wih me, let's float down to peru
sometimes you have to take advantage of beautiful days. yesterday was cold and rainy and gloomy and today slapped yesterday in the face. today the sky was clear, the temperature was a utopian 73 degrees, and the sun said it had nothing better to do but shine. i walked around my apartment complex eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich and sipping coffee. i danced to music playing in my headphones, while wearing pajamas, all aorund the sidewalks at my complex. those strange looks from other residents? they wer jealous, because no one can take advantage of a beautiful day like i can.
did i have to write a paper for shakespeare today? yes. did i recently have a gint fight with my im-so-in-love-i-can't-tand-it boyfriend? yes. am i still amd for not painting, not writing, not having a 4.0 and being completely broke? yes, yes, and oh god yes.
but today, it was a utopian 73 degrees, and the sun said it had nothing better to do but shine, and that's all there was.
<3gen
did i have to write a paper for shakespeare today? yes. did i recently have a gint fight with my im-so-in-love-i-can't-tand-it boyfriend? yes. am i still amd for not painting, not writing, not having a 4.0 and being completely broke? yes, yes, and oh god yes.
but today, it was a utopian 73 degrees, and the sun said it had nothing better to do but shine, and that's all there was.
<3gen
Sunday, November 11, 2007
five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
when you're boyfriend is out of town and kind of annoying, your best friend makes you feel like you've done everything wrong, and your other best friend would have a brain aneurysm if you cried in front of him, you can get to feeling pretty isolated.
when you feel like you work all the time for next to nothing, and barely have time to finish the schoolwork for a class you discovered is actually completely useless to you now. or even when you posted a few days ago about how in love you are, and while you have complete faith in that love, love does not a relationship make, and you worry that maybe the things that have happened are happening all over again, and it's only a matter of time before you prove everyone right all over again. when maybe your best friend's best friend is completely right about you, and you're just a dependent slut who finds love because she needs it to survive. maybe you haven't changed at all in 5 years. maybe everyone is right about you, after all this time. they've got you all figured out.
you can get to feeling pretty alone. because you haven't painted anything worthwhile in months, and you haven't written anything beautiful in what feels like years, and you're going to have to work nearly 70 hours a week over christmas because you know what you're hitting the bottom. you can feel pretty desperate, when you feel like you're working constantly and have nothing to show for it, and your best ideas turn out all wrong, and things just aren't how you'd like them to be right now.
so you watch RENT, because you can't watch it with your boyfriend because he makes you feel stupid for liking happy good movies, and you sing along because your roommates think you have a good voice, and you wish things would get back to how they were a while ago.
okay.
<3gen
when you feel like you work all the time for next to nothing, and barely have time to finish the schoolwork for a class you discovered is actually completely useless to you now. or even when you posted a few days ago about how in love you are, and while you have complete faith in that love, love does not a relationship make, and you worry that maybe the things that have happened are happening all over again, and it's only a matter of time before you prove everyone right all over again. when maybe your best friend's best friend is completely right about you, and you're just a dependent slut who finds love because she needs it to survive. maybe you haven't changed at all in 5 years. maybe everyone is right about you, after all this time. they've got you all figured out.
you can get to feeling pretty alone. because you haven't painted anything worthwhile in months, and you haven't written anything beautiful in what feels like years, and you're going to have to work nearly 70 hours a week over christmas because you know what you're hitting the bottom. you can feel pretty desperate, when you feel like you're working constantly and have nothing to show for it, and your best ideas turn out all wrong, and things just aren't how you'd like them to be right now.
so you watch RENT, because you can't watch it with your boyfriend because he makes you feel stupid for liking happy good movies, and you sing along because your roommates think you have a good voice, and you wish things would get back to how they were a while ago.
okay.
<3gen
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