things have certainly gotten a little weirder. but in a better, kinder sort of way. my world is more bizarre and upside down than it's ever been, and although all that furniture is still glued to the ceiling, i'm starting to get used to the new places everything is, and maybe one day i'll start being able to take it all down and put it back where it belongs.
i miss different things than i thought i would, and i don't miss things that i thought i was going to miss horribly. some things are just as expected, though. i love seeing my friends again, and talking to sini and james again. aaron coming home is weird and awkward and i don't really know how to deal with it. my dad is dispicable and obnoxcious enough to make my fingernails go instinctually toward my eyes every time he starts to speak. my sister is wonderous, my sewing machine is broken, my christmas presents are thoughtful, and my job is fun. some things are completely expected.
and some thing are so completely unexpected that i feel like i've had the rug ripped out from under me and i'm still flying through the air. i feel suspended above the ground, just waiting for things to crash. i guess we'll see.
what else can i say? i've been out of words lately, you can ask my friends. i can't even explain it to them, barely to myself.
but god am i having the best time i've had in years.
<3 gen
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
partie une
the first intallment of one hundred things
1-25
1. i am a different girl than i once was. i don't put my faith in things anymore, and some people think that's sad- i think it's smart
2. i will not get a good grade in lab
3. i drink too much milk
4. "samson" is a beautiful song by regina spektor
5. my laptop is warming my lap
6. watch this
7. this year i have reached a whole new level of procrastination
8. i am keeping my sharpies in a giant glass bottle which i think will prove less convenient than i first believed
9. does anyone know what any of this means?
10. boys kissing is pretty cute
11. i might or might not still like my ex-boyfriend- not that that narrows it down much
12. i painted a new birdhouse
13. "you are my sweetest downfall"
14. i bought 'chocolate mint truffle' coffee creamer because there was a snowman on the container
15. ~should have been born into a trust fund, now seeks dashing elderly benefactor~
16. my room is a mess
17. IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY I HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY
18. every day it gets a little bit harder
19. i might go vegan over christmas break
20. i collaged my little table and it looks very good and it sort of made me believe i was an artist after all
21. i love kissing, but don't do it enough
22. i have a paper due tomorrow, plus a french exam, and i'm doing this instead
23. i don't give a damn about philosophy
24. at this point, i would probably sleep with my lab TA for a good grade
25.
1-25
1. i am a different girl than i once was. i don't put my faith in things anymore, and some people think that's sad- i think it's smart
2. i will not get a good grade in lab
3. i drink too much milk
4. "samson" is a beautiful song by regina spektor
5. my laptop is warming my lap
6. watch this
7. this year i have reached a whole new level of procrastination
8. i am keeping my sharpies in a giant glass bottle which i think will prove less convenient than i first believed
9. does anyone know what any of this means?
10. boys kissing is pretty cute
11. i might or might not still like my ex-boyfriend- not that that narrows it down much
12. i painted a new birdhouse
13. "you are my sweetest downfall"
14. i bought 'chocolate mint truffle' coffee creamer because there was a snowman on the container
15. ~should have been born into a trust fund, now seeks dashing elderly benefactor~
16. my room is a mess
17. IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY I HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY
18. every day it gets a little bit harder
19. i might go vegan over christmas break
20. i collaged my little table and it looks very good and it sort of made me believe i was an artist after all
21. i love kissing, but don't do it enough
22. i have a paper due tomorrow, plus a french exam, and i'm doing this instead
23. i don't give a damn about philosophy
24. at this point, i would probably sleep with my lab TA for a good grade
25.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
disillusionment of ten o'clock
okay, now this is just getting out of hand.
on the plus side, my life is never, ever boring.
dear god.
break needs to be here
RIGHT NOW.
<3gen
on the plus side, my life is never, ever boring.
dear god.
break needs to be here
RIGHT NOW.
<3gen
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
you are my sweetest downfall
i loved you first, i loved you first
it's baffling sometimes how quickly things can change. one minute a place for everything and everything it's place, three seconds later your furniture is glued to the ceiling. and you look around the room and think "how did this happen?" you trusted that things were the way they were, not good or bad but just that they were, and that was how they would stay. you thought, of all the things in the world, you at least had faith in the chair being in the corner and the table next to it and the shelves against the far wall. you knew each piece, they were your friends. they stayed where you put them, they held you when you were tired.
then one day, you walk in the door and it's turned around and on the ceiling. you scream. you trusted them, you thought you knew everything about every piece of every one and they betrayed you. they've moved and changed.
they've started falling back in love with you.
or they've stopped calling because they don't need you now.
or they've started getting drunk at noon and staying that way.
and you think, "gosh, i never really knew them at all."
i feel like i've already learned this lesson before. i feel like this should be routine.
it never is.
the history books forgot about us,
and the bible didn't mention us,
not even once
<3gen
it's baffling sometimes how quickly things can change. one minute a place for everything and everything it's place, three seconds later your furniture is glued to the ceiling. and you look around the room and think "how did this happen?" you trusted that things were the way they were, not good or bad but just that they were, and that was how they would stay. you thought, of all the things in the world, you at least had faith in the chair being in the corner and the table next to it and the shelves against the far wall. you knew each piece, they were your friends. they stayed where you put them, they held you when you were tired.
then one day, you walk in the door and it's turned around and on the ceiling. you scream. you trusted them, you thought you knew everything about every piece of every one and they betrayed you. they've moved and changed.
they've started falling back in love with you.
or they've stopped calling because they don't need you now.
or they've started getting drunk at noon and staying that way.
and you think, "gosh, i never really knew them at all."
i feel like i've already learned this lesson before. i feel like this should be routine.
it never is.
the history books forgot about us,
and the bible didn't mention us,
not even once
<3gen
Monday, December 04, 2006
guilty feet ain't got no rhythm
how sad is it, exactly, that whenever i feel sad or lonely, i watch videos on you tube about tommy and kimberly romance from power rangers?
really really sad?
devastatingly sad?
sad enough to where you believe i really shouldn't be let out in public?
yeah, it's strange, i admit. but it says alot about me. i don't want a boyfriend. i don't want another ryan spain. i don't want a jeremy, or an aaron, or even a james. i don't want a connor or a corey or a daniel or a thomas or any of those boys or any more boys to come.
i want a tommy. i want a white ranger. or a harry potter, or the harry who met sally, or a leopold, or an aiden, or any of those hundreds of fantasy men who are perfect and everything you need until the credits roll. they all come around just when you need them, and they say the things you want and they hold you like they're supposed to and things get warmer.
that's what i want. the not real.
something that's not real. because real gets too real. real goes on for years. real involves commitment and planning and confusion and banality. i don't want those fantasy men to be real, i want them to stay fake, to stay impossible. because when you get the real thing, when you think you've found everything you could possibly ever want, when one boy starts marking things off your list of "dream boy" qualities, you realize that you wanted more than that. you realize that those tiny little qualities do not come together to make happy. you realize that those fantasies are better left fantasies, because they don't translate well into reality at all. not at all.
i want the not real.
the perfect without the stale.
the boy without the relationship.
i want to be able to cue the credits.
<3gen
really really sad?
devastatingly sad?
sad enough to where you believe i really shouldn't be let out in public?
yeah, it's strange, i admit. but it says alot about me. i don't want a boyfriend. i don't want another ryan spain. i don't want a jeremy, or an aaron, or even a james. i don't want a connor or a corey or a daniel or a thomas or any of those boys or any more boys to come.
i want a tommy. i want a white ranger. or a harry potter, or the harry who met sally, or a leopold, or an aiden, or any of those hundreds of fantasy men who are perfect and everything you need until the credits roll. they all come around just when you need them, and they say the things you want and they hold you like they're supposed to and things get warmer.
that's what i want. the not real.
something that's not real. because real gets too real. real goes on for years. real involves commitment and planning and confusion and banality. i don't want those fantasy men to be real, i want them to stay fake, to stay impossible. because when you get the real thing, when you think you've found everything you could possibly ever want, when one boy starts marking things off your list of "dream boy" qualities, you realize that you wanted more than that. you realize that those tiny little qualities do not come together to make happy. you realize that those fantasies are better left fantasies, because they don't translate well into reality at all. not at all.
i want the not real.
the perfect without the stale.
the boy without the relationship.
i want to be able to cue the credits.
<3gen
Friday, December 01, 2006
you're easier to describe in metaphor
i hate to do another negative post so quickly after one completely devoted to hatred. and yet, here we are smack in the middle of another emo, self-depracating blog post. hooray.
i didn't mean to miss french this morning.
i decorated our door in our room for christmas.
joe came in to give a tour, and i got sad because i've always wanted to give tours of blount, and i've asked to many times, but no one ever asks me to and i don't think anyone wants me to just because i don't hang out with people in the dorm that often.
i went to the thrift store.
i left my credit card in the room which meant i had to use my very last cash and change to my name to put gas in my car.
i can't get more cash because the credit union doesn't take temporary liscenses and since i just got mine renewed i can't get cash out for 2 weeks.
which means i have no cigarettes.
and won't for quite a while.
i found a dress that was really nice but eventually put it back because i wam just kidding myself thinking i can fit into a size 10.
a sixe ten is rather large.
a skinny girl my age with her cute boyfriend picked up the dress right after me.
it will look great on her.
she will look great with her boyfriend.
my father called then, asking me when my reading got out.
my reading at 4:30.
it was 4:55.
i forgot to go to the reading and it was my last chance.
i don't know how badly it will hurt my grade.
i'm not going to get good grades this semester.
and that is all my fault.
just like it's my fault that i'm alone.
that i'm a size 14.
that i have no money.
that my father is mad at me.
that i swerved on the highway from crying.
some people just have unlucky lives.
<3gen
i didn't mean to miss french this morning.
i decorated our door in our room for christmas.
joe came in to give a tour, and i got sad because i've always wanted to give tours of blount, and i've asked to many times, but no one ever asks me to and i don't think anyone wants me to just because i don't hang out with people in the dorm that often.
i went to the thrift store.
i left my credit card in the room which meant i had to use my very last cash and change to my name to put gas in my car.
i can't get more cash because the credit union doesn't take temporary liscenses and since i just got mine renewed i can't get cash out for 2 weeks.
which means i have no cigarettes.
and won't for quite a while.
i found a dress that was really nice but eventually put it back because i wam just kidding myself thinking i can fit into a size 10.
a sixe ten is rather large.
a skinny girl my age with her cute boyfriend picked up the dress right after me.
it will look great on her.
she will look great with her boyfriend.
my father called then, asking me when my reading got out.
my reading at 4:30.
it was 4:55.
i forgot to go to the reading and it was my last chance.
i don't know how badly it will hurt my grade.
i'm not going to get good grades this semester.
and that is all my fault.
just like it's my fault that i'm alone.
that i'm a size 14.
that i have no money.
that my father is mad at me.
that i swerved on the highway from crying.
some people just have unlucky lives.
<3gen
Thursday, November 30, 2006
a song that leonard wrote for me
"Why don't you try" by Leonard Cohen
Why don't you try to do without him?
Why don't you try to live alone?
Do you really need his hands for your passion?
Do you really need his heart for your throne?
Do you need his labour for your baby?
Do you need his beast for the bone?
Do you need to hold a leash to be a lady?
I know you're going to make, make it on your own.
Why don't your try to forget him?
Just open up your dainty little hand.
You know this life is filled with many sweet companions,
many satisfying one-night stands.
Do you want to be the ditch around a tower?
Do you want to be the moonlight in his cave?
Do you want to give your blessing to his power
as he goes whistling past his daddy, past his daddy's grave
Why don't you try to do without him?
Why don't you try to live alone?
Do you really need his hands for your passion?
Do you really need his heart for your throne?
Do you need his labour for your baby?
Do you need his beast for the bone?
Do you need to hold a leash to be a lady?
I know you're going to make, make it on your own.
Why don't your try to forget him?
Just open up your dainty little hand.
You know this life is filled with many sweet companions,
many satisfying one-night stands.
Do you want to be the ditch around a tower?
Do you want to be the moonlight in his cave?
Do you want to give your blessing to his power
as he goes whistling past his daddy, past his daddy's grave
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
the beauty of roommates
[breaking sounds]
me: quit breaking shit!
lindsey from the bathroom: don't tell me what to do.
me: wow, we should open a window to let out the fumes.
lindsey: or we could just get high.
me: lindsey we really need a baby seal.
lindsey: you're right.
me: oh lindsey! my new car has buttons!
lindsey: you need buttons.
me: lindsey, i'm having this big problem with splenda.
lindsey: sounds epic.
lindsey: i really like it when i look at the clock exactly ten minutes after the last time i looked at the clock.
me: how often does that happen?
lindsey: pretty much never, but when it does. oh man.
me: god damn i wish this girl would stop inviting me to her party, i'm not going.
lindsey: hey, some people would kill to have your problems
lindsey: it sucks when i'm eating my sandwich and i have to ask, "was that my fake meat, or a napkin?"
me: that doesn't say much for your fake meat.
lindsey: yeah, especially because i don't even have a napkin.
and just now:
me: i am not finding near as many lindsey quotes as i had first hoped
lindsey: yeah, i'm pretty elusive
sometimes i wish i could stay in this room forever.
<3 ashes
me: quit breaking shit!
lindsey from the bathroom: don't tell me what to do.
me: wow, we should open a window to let out the fumes.
lindsey: or we could just get high.
me: lindsey we really need a baby seal.
lindsey: you're right.
me: oh lindsey! my new car has buttons!
lindsey: you need buttons.
me: lindsey, i'm having this big problem with splenda.
lindsey: sounds epic.
lindsey: i really like it when i look at the clock exactly ten minutes after the last time i looked at the clock.
me: how often does that happen?
lindsey: pretty much never, but when it does. oh man.
me: god damn i wish this girl would stop inviting me to her party, i'm not going.
lindsey: hey, some people would kill to have your problems
lindsey: it sucks when i'm eating my sandwich and i have to ask, "was that my fake meat, or a napkin?"
me: that doesn't say much for your fake meat.
lindsey: yeah, especially because i don't even have a napkin.
and just now:
me: i am not finding near as many lindsey quotes as i had first hoped
lindsey: yeah, i'm pretty elusive
sometimes i wish i could stay in this room forever.
<3 ashes
Monday, November 27, 2006
his korean wife
as of late, i hate things. and hate takes alot of energy. i know that just two posts ago i was knee-deep in squishy, hard-to-wade-through love. but now, after a certainly less-than-stellar thanksgiving, which is the understatement of the century, i find myself listing things i hate, rather than can't live without.
i hate that i can't post here how sad and lonely and dissapointed i've been feeling because my ex boyfriend will read it and worry his pretty little head and freak the fuck out and want to know what's wrong and why it's wrong and how he can fix it when, if he understood things as all, he would know that is the last thing i want from an angry rant on my blog.
i hate my father. i hate every thing that he does and every thing that he causes and creates. i hate that he hates me. i hate that i can't get over than no matter what i do.
i hate that i can't come up with great lines like lindsey, or write humor like sini, or be sweet like laura, or keep myself at a distance like cooper, or not be affected by anything like my sister, or let things go like my mother.
i hate that my dreams lately have been nothing but romance and kissing and rescues and torrential love affairs acted out in rain and carseats.
i hate that no matter how much my brain begs me not to, my heart craves relationships in a way that is neither healthy nor comforting.
i hate that something i love i must keep far, far away.
i hate that i am spending so much time hating.
it hurts.
<3ashes
i hate that i can't post here how sad and lonely and dissapointed i've been feeling because my ex boyfriend will read it and worry his pretty little head and freak the fuck out and want to know what's wrong and why it's wrong and how he can fix it when, if he understood things as all, he would know that is the last thing i want from an angry rant on my blog.
i hate my father. i hate every thing that he does and every thing that he causes and creates. i hate that he hates me. i hate that i can't get over than no matter what i do.
i hate that i can't come up with great lines like lindsey, or write humor like sini, or be sweet like laura, or keep myself at a distance like cooper, or not be affected by anything like my sister, or let things go like my mother.
i hate that my dreams lately have been nothing but romance and kissing and rescues and torrential love affairs acted out in rain and carseats.
i hate that no matter how much my brain begs me not to, my heart craves relationships in a way that is neither healthy nor comforting.
i hate that something i love i must keep far, far away.
i hate that i am spending so much time hating.
it hurts.
<3ashes
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
joy to the world
sometimes i love my life.
i love my little to-do list next to my closet.
i love making bacon egg and cheese sandwiches and watching cooking shows.
i love spending my own, hard-earned money.
i love my stuffed animals sitting on my books.
i love having a printer.
i love my fabric-covered tv.
i love having a place for everything.
i love washing my own dishes.
i love my beautiful room.
i love it when my roommate says things like:
"hey guys, it's 2006, why am i still having to walk places?"
i love new friends who are good for me.
i love having school supplies.
i love packing for home.
i love having a home.
i love making coffee in the mornings.
i love having my life condensed to one side of a dorm room- it's cozy.
i love beautiful days.
i love my cloak.
i love writing good essays.
i love listening to music.
i love my new car.
i love trying to be a grown up, and sometimes it works.
i am thankful for everything god has given me.
and evyerthing my friends have given me.
and everything my family has given me.
and everything i have given myself.
i've got soul but i'm not a soldier,
gen
i love my little to-do list next to my closet.
i love making bacon egg and cheese sandwiches and watching cooking shows.
i love spending my own, hard-earned money.
i love my stuffed animals sitting on my books.
i love having a printer.
i love my fabric-covered tv.
i love having a place for everything.
i love washing my own dishes.
i love my beautiful room.
i love it when my roommate says things like:
"hey guys, it's 2006, why am i still having to walk places?"
i love new friends who are good for me.
i love having school supplies.
i love packing for home.
i love having a home.
i love making coffee in the mornings.
i love having my life condensed to one side of a dorm room- it's cozy.
i love beautiful days.
i love my cloak.
i love writing good essays.
i love listening to music.
i love my new car.
i love trying to be a grown up, and sometimes it works.
i am thankful for everything god has given me.
and evyerthing my friends have given me.
and everything my family has given me.
and everything i have given myself.
i've got soul but i'm not a soldier,
gen
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
i'm in love with the tip of your iceberg
and i wonder will i ever see the rest?
-- Micheal Leviton
check out this wonderous place
lessthanthree, ashes
-- Micheal Leviton
check out this wonderous place
lessthanthree, ashes
Thursday, November 02, 2006
the artist is the pheonix who burns to emerge
i'm drunk.
seems like aperfect time to post.
my exboyfriend made this blog for me. i'ma lso using his journal to write in nowadays. and i can't colalge over it, but i hate being reminded of what once was. what once was perfect, and how haunts my sleep. i'm sending poetry to boys at midnight and feeling numb. i'm being cryptic and writing songs. i'm being a bad, bad girl.
i'm wanting things that i should never, ever want. i'm wanting to be bad person.
better to reign in heaven than serve in hell.
i'm doubting things i have never doubted. i'm regretting things and i have no regrets. my hands feel warm and my head is fuzzy and full of cobwebs and soft, pliable rage. i feel wasted. in the drunk sense, but also int he sense that i've been all. used. up.
for some reason i just had a flashback to my middle school. i wonder where that came from.
my hands are so warm. maybe it's this keyboard. maybe it's this night.
it's getting cold outside. today it smelled like christmas. my life lately seems a string of dissapointments and misconceptions, wants and needs that never get met, friends that never get where i want to go, talks i never get to have, grades i can never make, leaderships i never take.
i'm starting to give up.
i thought i was starting to get jaded, but this is what's really starting. i'm starting not to feel. i'm training myself to feel nothing. i'm slowly widdling down my emotional state to three basic emotions: love, hate, and loss. do you really need anything else?
emotion has defined my life for so long, i'm hoping i can live without it. the truth is, it has bred nothing but spoiled relationships, rape cases, and suicide attempts. to be honsest, emotion has never done a damn good thing for me.
i am so drunk. my hands are so warm. today smelled like chriistmas.
i think i should change my name.
<3 ashes
no pheonix intended
seems like aperfect time to post.
my exboyfriend made this blog for me. i'ma lso using his journal to write in nowadays. and i can't colalge over it, but i hate being reminded of what once was. what once was perfect, and how haunts my sleep. i'm sending poetry to boys at midnight and feeling numb. i'm being cryptic and writing songs. i'm being a bad, bad girl.
i'm wanting things that i should never, ever want. i'm wanting to be bad person.
better to reign in heaven than serve in hell.
i'm doubting things i have never doubted. i'm regretting things and i have no regrets. my hands feel warm and my head is fuzzy and full of cobwebs and soft, pliable rage. i feel wasted. in the drunk sense, but also int he sense that i've been all. used. up.
for some reason i just had a flashback to my middle school. i wonder where that came from.
my hands are so warm. maybe it's this keyboard. maybe it's this night.
it's getting cold outside. today it smelled like christmas. my life lately seems a string of dissapointments and misconceptions, wants and needs that never get met, friends that never get where i want to go, talks i never get to have, grades i can never make, leaderships i never take.
i'm starting to give up.
i thought i was starting to get jaded, but this is what's really starting. i'm starting not to feel. i'm training myself to feel nothing. i'm slowly widdling down my emotional state to three basic emotions: love, hate, and loss. do you really need anything else?
emotion has defined my life for so long, i'm hoping i can live without it. the truth is, it has bred nothing but spoiled relationships, rape cases, and suicide attempts. to be honsest, emotion has never done a damn good thing for me.
i am so drunk. my hands are so warm. today smelled like chriistmas.
i think i should change my name.
<3 ashes
no pheonix intended
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
i miss you like my left arm that's been lost in a war
oh, beauty.
how you evade me so preposterously.
and how you find me so inconveniently.
<3gen
how you evade me so preposterously.
and how you find me so inconveniently.
<3gen
Monday, October 23, 2006
writer of fiction
i seem to have made a mess of things. but perhaps it's a good mess. or perhaps it's a fun mess. or maybe a wonderful beautiful mess. but that's only if i'm a really lucky girl. and i think we all know i am not a very lucky girl. i think this could turn out to be an ugly mess.
but my life is that of messes, fun or ugly, so it should not be anything new. the last time i started talking like this, about making messes and mistakes with boys and cars, i started smoking, cried for six days straight, and could barely work through the fog i walked through. but this time, there's no tears. there's no fog, and though there are a few cigarettes i don't pick them up in hopes they will somehow get me breathing again. this time, no big deal.
i'm finally taking my own advice.
maybe i'm not a hypocrite anymore.
this time, i can't help being myself. this time, i refuse to hate myself for something happening that i did not intend. this time i don't think it's the end of the world. this time i don't think everything is crashing down. this time i don't think this is the end of a friendship, which last time had me walking around like a tear-soaked zombie craving brains. this time i'll be me. and i'll listen to what i have told so many others and be myself, and the best of myself, and try to help pthers, and try to be better, but i can only try my best.
this feels strange.
it's a wonder what can be accomplished when you listen to yourself.
i skiped french today. i haven't started on my lab term paper.
i am queen procrastinator.
but i don't care.
i'm the happiest i've been in a long
long
long
time.
<3monroe
but my life is that of messes, fun or ugly, so it should not be anything new. the last time i started talking like this, about making messes and mistakes with boys and cars, i started smoking, cried for six days straight, and could barely work through the fog i walked through. but this time, there's no tears. there's no fog, and though there are a few cigarettes i don't pick them up in hopes they will somehow get me breathing again. this time, no big deal.
i'm finally taking my own advice.
maybe i'm not a hypocrite anymore.
this time, i can't help being myself. this time, i refuse to hate myself for something happening that i did not intend. this time i don't think it's the end of the world. this time i don't think everything is crashing down. this time i don't think this is the end of a friendship, which last time had me walking around like a tear-soaked zombie craving brains. this time i'll be me. and i'll listen to what i have told so many others and be myself, and the best of myself, and try to help pthers, and try to be better, but i can only try my best.
this feels strange.
it's a wonder what can be accomplished when you listen to yourself.
i skiped french today. i haven't started on my lab term paper.
i am queen procrastinator.
but i don't care.
i'm the happiest i've been in a long
long
long
time.
<3monroe
Monday, October 16, 2006
OH GOD
what goes up must, inevitably come down.
crashing down.
i did feel whole for a little while though, i really did.
<3gen
crashing down.
i did feel whole for a little while though, i really did.
<3gen
Sunday, August 20, 2006
let us rebuild this kingdom, and let us call it promise
my life is kind of amazing right now, in part to:
- lindsey jayne FUCKIN mullen being such a beautiful badass
- my new and most beautiful dorm room
- covering a couch all day yesterday
- floor-to-ceiling posters
- knowing that my room is so much better than anyone else's on the god damn planet
- ryan cooper and harrison
- rachel carter and her kitties
- the $1000 i saved this summer for whatever i want
- not wanting to go home
- painted ladders
- did i mention lindsey jayne?
so that's my life right now. in short- unadulturated happiness. my boyfriend gets here today, where i will spend at least 1.3 minutes rubbing the fact that my room is better than his in his face. then my new, lovely, desirable life will be complete.
at some point, i have to buy school supplies and text books, but i'm just so giddy it's distracting!
<3the gen
- lindsey jayne FUCKIN mullen being such a beautiful badass
- my new and most beautiful dorm room
- covering a couch all day yesterday
- floor-to-ceiling posters
- knowing that my room is so much better than anyone else's on the god damn planet
- ryan cooper and harrison
- rachel carter and her kitties
- the $1000 i saved this summer for whatever i want
- not wanting to go home
- painted ladders
- did i mention lindsey jayne?
so that's my life right now. in short- unadulturated happiness. my boyfriend gets here today, where i will spend at least 1.3 minutes rubbing the fact that my room is better than his in his face. then my new, lovely, desirable life will be complete.
at some point, i have to buy school supplies and text books, but i'm just so giddy it's distracting!
<3the gen
Thursday, July 13, 2006
acceptance
so much of the advice i have recieved as of late, from others and from myself, has been simple: accept it, and move on. there are bad parts of life, things get really hard sometimes, and when you find yourself crying in a foggy room, just accept that this is life, and take it and go on to the next day. i don't like that, i don't want to have to move on; that too, i must accept.
i have to accept that aaron will never get over his grudge and be my friend again. i have to accept that the friendships i hold dearest in the world are not what they used to be. i have to accept that things change [this is one that i have struggled with for the longest]. i have to accept that i must have a serious conversation with my boyfriend. i have to accept that there are secrets that i learned today that i can't share for fear of making the same mistake twice. i have to accept that someone just betrayed me just like i betrayed aaron, but i won't let it change how i feel about that person. i have to accept that that makes me think aaron overreacted. i have to accept that i am forgetful, shallow, clumsy, and a liar. and i have to accept that all of the artistic talent, glitter, witty jokes and good talks can not make up for that.
i hate it. i hate that there are so many things wrong and i just have to 'accept it and move on.' i don't like this kind of life. sometimes i think so much has happened in barely twenty years of life, and i'm expected to go on for another fifty or so? maybe we've extended the life span too much, why there is no great passion in this generation, no great american novel. there's just too many years, we take everything for granted. it's too intense, there's too much life. 70 plus years of 'accepting' that life is shitty most of the time? i'm not okay with it.
i've kept an online journal in some form or another for nearly 6 years now, and my hauntings are spread over nearly twenty different journals. some are just poetry, some stories, some emotional and angsty others witty and fake. but when i look back, the number of entries about 'accepting' something horrible and moving on with my life is astounding. so many entries filled with words of tears and giving up and growing up and all that jazz. things should not have to be this hard.
but they are.
and i have to accept it.
<3gen
just what is a good life anyway?
i have to accept that aaron will never get over his grudge and be my friend again. i have to accept that the friendships i hold dearest in the world are not what they used to be. i have to accept that things change [this is one that i have struggled with for the longest]. i have to accept that i must have a serious conversation with my boyfriend. i have to accept that there are secrets that i learned today that i can't share for fear of making the same mistake twice. i have to accept that someone just betrayed me just like i betrayed aaron, but i won't let it change how i feel about that person. i have to accept that that makes me think aaron overreacted. i have to accept that i am forgetful, shallow, clumsy, and a liar. and i have to accept that all of the artistic talent, glitter, witty jokes and good talks can not make up for that.
i hate it. i hate that there are so many things wrong and i just have to 'accept it and move on.' i don't like this kind of life. sometimes i think so much has happened in barely twenty years of life, and i'm expected to go on for another fifty or so? maybe we've extended the life span too much, why there is no great passion in this generation, no great american novel. there's just too many years, we take everything for granted. it's too intense, there's too much life. 70 plus years of 'accepting' that life is shitty most of the time? i'm not okay with it.
i've kept an online journal in some form or another for nearly 6 years now, and my hauntings are spread over nearly twenty different journals. some are just poetry, some stories, some emotional and angsty others witty and fake. but when i look back, the number of entries about 'accepting' something horrible and moving on with my life is astounding. so many entries filled with words of tears and giving up and growing up and all that jazz. things should not have to be this hard.
but they are.
and i have to accept it.
<3gen
just what is a good life anyway?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)