acceptance

so much of the advice i have recieved as of late, from others and from myself, has been simple: accept it, and move on. there are bad parts of life, things get really hard sometimes, and when you find yourself crying in a foggy room, just accept that this is life, and take it and go on to the next day. i don't like that, i don't want to have to move on; that too, i must accept.

i have to accept that aaron will never get over his grudge and be my friend again. i have to accept that the friendships i hold dearest in the world are not what they used to be. i have to accept that things change [this is one that i have struggled with for the longest]. i have to accept that i must have a serious conversation with my boyfriend. i have to accept that there are secrets that i learned today that i can't share for fear of making the same mistake twice. i have to accept that someone just betrayed me just like i betrayed aaron, but i won't let it change how i feel about that person. i have to accept that that makes me think aaron overreacted. i have to accept that i am forgetful, shallow, clumsy, and a liar. and i have to accept that all of the artistic talent, glitter, witty jokes and good talks can not make up for that.

i hate it. i hate that there are so many things wrong and i just have to 'accept it and move on.' i don't like this kind of life. sometimes i think so much has happened in barely twenty years of life, and i'm expected to go on for another fifty or so? maybe we've extended the life span too much, why there is no great passion in this generation, no great american novel. there's just too many years, we take everything for granted. it's too intense, there's too much life. 70 plus years of 'accepting' that life is shitty most of the time? i'm not okay with it.

i've kept an online journal in some form or another for nearly 6 years now, and my hauntings are spread over nearly twenty different journals. some are just poetry, some stories, some emotional and angsty others witty and fake. but when i look back, the number of entries about 'accepting' something horrible and moving on with my life is astounding. so many entries filled with words of tears and giving up and growing up and all that jazz. things should not have to be this hard.

but they are.
and i have to accept it.
<3gen

just what is a good life anyway?