snails see the benefits, the beauty in every inch

lately, things aren't going so well. i'm worried about a lot of things, and i seem preoccupied with trying desperately to fix something in me that seems to be broken. sometimes i feel like i'm losing it. thta something about me that was really bright and happy. i'm afraid it might be going out, little by little. sometimes i get so overwhelmed with living, i just have to sit and wait and feel nothing until i can move another inch.

and yet, i feel so happy. i listen to music and dance around, or read a good book and feel it seeping into me like sunlight tanning skin. i feel content with things, like maybe things being messed up are how they're supposed to be. and though i might be far from loving myself wholly and completely, i at least find myself a good enough person. i still want to see my friends, to touch them and to be around them, to remember childhoods and highschool and share good music and love poems from dark-covered anthologies on sale at the bookstore. i feel like there is so much going on i should be stressed and crying, but i'm not. i feel the weight of all i must do, but i am not letting it crush me.

is this a good thing? i'm not sure.

really, i just want things to get a little more figured out. i know it can't all be, but just a few parts. i want some answers. i need to do some math- and undo some too.

i'm not afraid of the word love.
but perhaps the word control.

<3gen

this ain't a scene, it's a god damn arms race

okay, the constant pile driving at UA is officially annoying. pretty much from 9-5 every day my dorm is shaking violently ever 1.3 seconds including loud booming noises. if i leave the dorm, the sound is just bouncing off every building on campus and sounds like aliens are attacking with lazer beams.

the new fall out boy song is good, by the by.

i would write more, but i can't THINK with all the GOD DAMN PILE DRIVING.

<3gen

bodily violence

so it appears that one of the most prestigeous literary magazines in the country, the Seneca Review, has decided to publish a short story that i wrote last semester. i sent it in on a whim, not at all expecting this sort of publication to want my piece. they have published some pretty famous poets, and i just had to submit something for my final grade in creative writing.

allright, self-esteem restored to 100%.

thank you god, you pulled through.

I'M SO AWESOME.

<3gen

partie deux

the second installment of one hundred things

26-50

26. i fall more in love with faulkner every day
27. i write in all of my books
28. click
29. i do not think i could ever find words in our pitiful human language to describe my absolute disdain and bloodboiling hatred that i possess for analytic philosophy
30. sometimes people have touble understanding that i do not give a damn what they think of me
31. one of the drawbacks and inevitable curses of being open and honest about your relationships is that you, by default, make it everyone else's business, where they then have the right to give you any advice or life lessons they feel necessary. you listen, when really all you can think is that they do not understand at all. also, it is never just one person, but many many people, who for some reason do not think that you know your flaws well enough, or preach them to yourself on a daily basis, and therefore must point them out to you systematically so that if for just one minute, even one second, you try to escape your own self-loathing, they can step in and remind you what you are doing wrong.
33. dr. crowly is quite possibly the most monotone man i have ever encountered in my life.
34. www.pandora.com
35.~while i was fighting wars with myself you were trying to stop the fight~
36. i do not update my blogs often enough
37. an online blog is the ultimate excercise in passive-aggressiveness
38. i do not think i will ever enjoy my father's company
39. bukowski is good, but he is not the best
40. i like being scheduled
41. one of my greatest joys in life is buying and having groceries
42. i have not been drunk in a very long time and that is kind of sad
43. my roommate [the most wonderous thing in the world] and friends [many other magical things] managed to give me quite possibly the most wonderful birthday i have ever experienced in my life, for reasons that even they can not understand
44. i have been having very vivid dreams about things happening to my sister, or me losing her, or fighting or hating and things of that nature, and it's very strange and i wonder what they mean. what am i afraid of?
45. "and i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd"
46. i need to paint my toenails
47. the more charity work i do, the more i want to do
48. i think i'm going to ask my mom about taking out a student loan
49. i have a place to live next year and it has taken such a huge weight off my shoulders it is marvelous
50. i do not have to justify anything i do to anyone i know - EVER.

<3gen

if nowhere is safe, then let everywhere be nowhere

perhaps no one cam upon my blog this early morning, to wtiness such incredible angst and apparant depression that poured into this little white box when i read too much faulkner, thought too much about my shortcomings, and listened to too many sad songs.

but today things have done a 180. my friends, specifically my most wonderous and unbelievable roommate, made this day better than any birthday i've had. she did it without me asking, she thought of me when she had one hundred other things to fill her pretty head with, she went out of her way to make this day fun. i could not thank her enough for that.

not to mention there was cake. seriously good cake.

this is going to be a good day.
FUCK YES.

<3gen

if you lived here, you'd be home by now

Hey remember the time when I found a human tooth down on Delancey
Hey remember that time we decided to kiss anywhere except the mouth
Hey remember that time when my favorite colors were pink and green
Hey remember that month when I only ate boxes of tangerines
So cheap and juicy, tangerines

Hey remember that time when I would only read Shakespeare
Hey remember that other time when I would only read the backs of cereal boxes
Hey remember that time I tried to save a pigeon with a broken wing
A street cat got him by morning and I had to bury pieces of his body in my building's playground
I thought I was going to be sick, I thought I was going to be sick

Hey remember that time when I would only smoke Parliaments
Hey remember that time when I would only smoke Marlboros
Hey remember that time when I would only smoke Camels
Hey remember that time when I was broke
I didn't care I just bummed from my friends
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum...

Hey remember that time when you od'ed
Hey remember that other time when you od'ed for the second time
Well in the waiting room while waiting for news of you I hallucinated I could read your mind
And I was on a lot of shit too but what I saw, man, I tell you it was freaky, freaky

--regina spektor, "that time"

<3gen

the mind churns, the heart yearns

every year, i go through this phase where i crave god. i start listening to christian music all the time, writing poetry about my faith and praying nearly every time i'm not talking or working. it's difficult because i'm the only christian in my family who's christian, and i get constantly ridiculed for believing in god at all. and i don't have any christian friends here, at least not the sort that actually like to talk about god. i wish i could go to church, but it's my only day to get some decent sleep and i can never bring myself to wake up early enough.

jeremy wants to talk philosophy, and i just want to use god as an excuse for everything. not only to piss him off, but because i believe it.

there is only one thing in the entire universe that you can depend on 100 percent all of the time without any doubt, and when my world is changing constantly and quickly, god is there no matter what and will always be and has always been.

i think i'm about to lose everything, but maybe that's okay for once.
maybe things are better than i think.

i'm talking about art and poetry.
i'm contemplating faulkner.
he's writing a book.
and there's a boy somewhere whose heart i'm breaking.
and a girl somewhere who wants to save the world.
and a child running away trying to escape the army.

without you, the ground thaws.