come fly wih me, let's float down to peru

sometimes you have to take advantage of beautiful days. yesterday was cold and rainy and gloomy and today slapped yesterday in the face. today the sky was clear, the temperature was a utopian 73 degrees, and the sun said it had nothing better to do but shine. i walked around my apartment complex eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich and sipping coffee. i danced to music playing in my headphones, while wearing pajamas, all aorund the sidewalks at my complex. those strange looks from other residents? they wer jealous, because no one can take advantage of a beautiful day like i can.

did i have to write a paper for shakespeare today? yes. did i recently have a gint fight with my im-so-in-love-i-can't-tand-it boyfriend? yes. am i still amd for not painting, not writing, not having a 4.0 and being completely broke? yes, yes, and oh god yes.

but today, it was a utopian 73 degrees, and the sun said it had nothing better to do but shine, and that's all there was.

<3gen

five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

when you're boyfriend is out of town and kind of annoying, your best friend makes you feel like you've done everything wrong, and your other best friend would have a brain aneurysm if you cried in front of him, you can get to feeling pretty isolated.

when you feel like you work all the time for next to nothing, and barely have time to finish the schoolwork for a class you discovered is actually completely useless to you now. or even when you posted a few days ago about how in love you are, and while you have complete faith in that love, love does not a relationship make, and you worry that maybe the things that have happened are happening all over again, and it's only a matter of time before you prove everyone right all over again. when maybe your best friend's best friend is completely right about you, and you're just a dependent slut who finds love because she needs it to survive. maybe you haven't changed at all in 5 years. maybe everyone is right about you, after all this time. they've got you all figured out.

you can get to feeling pretty alone. because you haven't painted anything worthwhile in months, and you haven't written anything beautiful in what feels like years, and you're going to have to work nearly 70 hours a week over christmas because you know what you're hitting the bottom. you can feel pretty desperate, when you feel like you're working constantly and have nothing to show for it, and your best ideas turn out all wrong, and things just aren't how you'd like them to be right now.

so you watch RENT, because you can't watch it with your boyfriend because he makes you feel stupid for liking happy good movies, and you sing along because your roommates think you have a good voice, and you wish things would get back to how they were a while ago.

okay.

<3gen

naglingnerk

love is a pretty tricky thing. first of all, it needs a much larger vocabulary. "love" is a weighted, frightening word that holds immeasurable meaning and implications beneath and between 4 measly letters. anne sexton wrote in her novella surfacing, "the Inuit have 150 words for snow because it is so important to them, we should have as many for love." the romantics, transcendentalists, and shakespeare all talked about the inadequacy of language, i think they had it right.

besides there not being enough words, there doesn't seem to be a plethora of correct information about it. fairy tales, walt disney, and romantic comedies have ruined it for everyone. but not in the way that you're thinking. it isn't that they got it wrong, or glamourized it beyond what anyone could ever hope to find- they just didn't finish the story. talk to anyone at the very beginning of a relationship and the fairy tales are true- find them 2 years into it or post break-up and meg ryan has ruined it for everyone. the movies and stories and kissing-scenes with revolving cameras and flashing lights only tell the first part, and the first part isn't love, it's just endorphins telling you what you want to hear.

but the truth about love is better than the fantasies. i'm not saying that the cinderella's made it seem better than it really is, but that they didn't give love enough credit. the real love comes much later, and it comes with much more fireworks than any first kiss.

love is believing that good will prevail when all signs point to no. love is accepting that things will not always be good, and they will not always be easy, or might never be easy, but that there are things more important than ease. love is allowing flaws, of yourself and of others, and not blaming them when things go wrong. it is not romance and flowers or a soundtrack playing as you dance in a parking lot. it's forgiving someone for wrecking your car, or revealing a deep secret to the last person that needed to hear it, or it is understanding that others, just like yourself, very often do not make sense.

love is honestly and completely holding yourself before someone else. it is also accepting that you might be a number 2 priority. i know that everyone says in love, you must always be the other person's number 1. this is not true. love is sacrificing things that you want and need to make sure than someone else gets what they want and need- but it is also caring about yourself enough to ask for what you believe you deserve when you believe you deserve it, no matter if you think it is rediculous or wrong. it is having what you want, but also wanting what you have.

love is also fighting. love is being angry and finding someone else to be logically insane. love is sometimes giving in when you know beyond all doubt that you are right. it can also be desperately hurting someone because you know it is what is right and what is good. this is most often love from your parents- which i have understood more and more each day that i am alive.

all of these things do not necessarily 'complete' you, but rather complete the way you see your world. it isn't that you had a hole to fill, but rather that everyone has a space that is meant to hold love. it can be shaped as a mother, or a husband, or a wife. it can be shaped like a sister, or a roommate, a best friend or a dog. we can survive without this space being full just as we can survive without ever eating chocolate- but things are so much better when it's there. the bad and the good, the lovely and the sorrowful, creates not really love, but rather a life. a life that neither person claims as their own, but that they are part of something more than themselves. something beautiful that makes you think, "oh. so this is what i needed. all this time."

i am not saying that the relationship i am in now has made me an expert. or that even the 30-some-odd before do. i am not saying that it will turn into wedding bells, or that it will not. i am not saying that it is perfect, in fact it is far from, and i am not saying that i have it all figured out. i am not saying it will last forever. i am not even saying that these things i've said are correct for everyone.

all i am saying is that i know that i am in love.
and that is what matters to me.

<3gen