nostalgia stays small

things have certainly gotten a little weirder. but in a better, kinder sort of way. my world is more bizarre and upside down than it's ever been, and although all that furniture is still glued to the ceiling, i'm starting to get used to the new places everything is, and maybe one day i'll start being able to take it all down and put it back where it belongs.

i miss different things than i thought i would, and i don't miss things that i thought i was going to miss horribly. some things are just as expected, though. i love seeing my friends again, and talking to sini and james again. aaron coming home is weird and awkward and i don't really know how to deal with it. my dad is dispicable and obnoxcious enough to make my fingernails go instinctually toward my eyes every time he starts to speak. my sister is wonderous, my sewing machine is broken, my christmas presents are thoughtful, and my job is fun. some things are completely expected.

and some thing are so completely unexpected that i feel like i've had the rug ripped out from under me and i'm still flying through the air. i feel suspended above the ground, just waiting for things to crash. i guess we'll see.

what else can i say? i've been out of words lately, you can ask my friends. i can't even explain it to them, barely to myself.

but god am i having the best time i've had in years.

<3 gen

partie une

the first intallment of one hundred things

1-25

1. i am a different girl than i once was. i don't put my faith in things anymore, and some people think that's sad- i think it's smart
2. i will not get a good grade in lab
3. i drink too much milk
4. "samson" is a beautiful song by regina spektor
5. my laptop is warming my lap
6. watch this
7. this year i have reached a whole new level of procrastination
8. i am keeping my sharpies in a giant glass bottle which i think will prove less convenient than i first believed
9. does anyone know what any of this means?
10. boys kissing is pretty cute
11. i might or might not still like my ex-boyfriend- not that that narrows it down much
12. i painted a new birdhouse
13. "you are my sweetest downfall"
14. i bought 'chocolate mint truffle' coffee creamer because there was a snowman on the container
15. ~should have been born into a trust fund, now seeks dashing elderly benefactor~
16. my room is a mess
17. IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY I HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY
18. every day it gets a little bit harder
19. i might go vegan over christmas break
20. i collaged my little table and it looks very good and it sort of made me believe i was an artist after all
21. i love kissing, but don't do it enough
22. i have a paper due tomorrow, plus a french exam, and i'm doing this instead
23. i don't give a damn about philosophy
24. at this point, i would probably sleep with my lab TA for a good grade
25.

disillusionment of ten o'clock

okay, now this is just getting out of hand.

on the plus side, my life is never, ever boring.

dear god.
break needs to be here
RIGHT NOW.

<3gen

you are my sweetest downfall

i loved you first, i loved you first

it's baffling sometimes how quickly things can change. one minute a place for everything and everything it's place, three seconds later your furniture is glued to the ceiling. and you look around the room and think "how did this happen?" you trusted that things were the way they were, not good or bad but just that they were, and that was how they would stay. you thought, of all the things in the world, you at least had faith in the chair being in the corner and the table next to it and the shelves against the far wall. you knew each piece, they were your friends. they stayed where you put them, they held you when you were tired.

then one day, you walk in the door and it's turned around and on the ceiling. you scream. you trusted them, you thought you knew everything about every piece of every one and they betrayed you. they've moved and changed.

they've started falling back in love with you.
or they've stopped calling because they don't need you now.
or they've started getting drunk at noon and staying that way.

and you think, "gosh, i never really knew them at all."

i feel like i've already learned this lesson before. i feel like this should be routine.

it never is.

the history books forgot about us,
and the bible didn't mention us,
not even once

<3gen

guilty feet ain't got no rhythm

how sad is it, exactly, that whenever i feel sad or lonely, i watch videos on you tube about tommy and kimberly romance from power rangers?

really really sad?
devastatingly sad?
sad enough to where you believe i really shouldn't be let out in public?

yeah, it's strange, i admit. but it says alot about me. i don't want a boyfriend. i don't want another ryan spain. i don't want a jeremy, or an aaron, or even a james. i don't want a connor or a corey or a daniel or a thomas or any of those boys or any more boys to come.

i want a tommy. i want a white ranger. or a harry potter, or the harry who met sally, or a leopold, or an aiden, or any of those hundreds of fantasy men who are perfect and everything you need until the credits roll. they all come around just when you need them, and they say the things you want and they hold you like they're supposed to and things get warmer.

that's what i want. the not real.

something that's not real. because real gets too real. real goes on for years. real involves commitment and planning and confusion and banality. i don't want those fantasy men to be real, i want them to stay fake, to stay impossible. because when you get the real thing, when you think you've found everything you could possibly ever want, when one boy starts marking things off your list of "dream boy" qualities, you realize that you wanted more than that. you realize that those tiny little qualities do not come together to make happy. you realize that those fantasies are better left fantasies, because they don't translate well into reality at all. not at all.

i want the not real.
the perfect without the stale.
the boy without the relationship.
i want to be able to cue the credits.

<3gen

you're easier to describe in metaphor

i hate to do another negative post so quickly after one completely devoted to hatred. and yet, here we are smack in the middle of another emo, self-depracating blog post. hooray.

i didn't mean to miss french this morning.
i decorated our door in our room for christmas.
joe came in to give a tour, and i got sad because i've always wanted to give tours of blount, and i've asked to many times, but no one ever asks me to and i don't think anyone wants me to just because i don't hang out with people in the dorm that often.
i went to the thrift store.
i left my credit card in the room which meant i had to use my very last cash and change to my name to put gas in my car.
i can't get more cash because the credit union doesn't take temporary liscenses and since i just got mine renewed i can't get cash out for 2 weeks.
which means i have no cigarettes.
and won't for quite a while.
i found a dress that was really nice but eventually put it back because i wam just kidding myself thinking i can fit into a size 10.
a sixe ten is rather large.
a skinny girl my age with her cute boyfriend picked up the dress right after me.
it will look great on her.
she will look great with her boyfriend.
my father called then, asking me when my reading got out.
my reading at 4:30.
it was 4:55.
i forgot to go to the reading and it was my last chance.
i don't know how badly it will hurt my grade.
i'm not going to get good grades this semester.
and that is all my fault.
just like it's my fault that i'm alone.
that i'm a size 14.
that i have no money.
that my father is mad at me.
that i swerved on the highway from crying.

some people just have unlucky lives.

<3gen