guilty feet ain't got no rhythm

how sad is it, exactly, that whenever i feel sad or lonely, i watch videos on you tube about tommy and kimberly romance from power rangers?

really really sad?
devastatingly sad?
sad enough to where you believe i really shouldn't be let out in public?

yeah, it's strange, i admit. but it says alot about me. i don't want a boyfriend. i don't want another ryan spain. i don't want a jeremy, or an aaron, or even a james. i don't want a connor or a corey or a daniel or a thomas or any of those boys or any more boys to come.

i want a tommy. i want a white ranger. or a harry potter, or the harry who met sally, or a leopold, or an aiden, or any of those hundreds of fantasy men who are perfect and everything you need until the credits roll. they all come around just when you need them, and they say the things you want and they hold you like they're supposed to and things get warmer.

that's what i want. the not real.

something that's not real. because real gets too real. real goes on for years. real involves commitment and planning and confusion and banality. i don't want those fantasy men to be real, i want them to stay fake, to stay impossible. because when you get the real thing, when you think you've found everything you could possibly ever want, when one boy starts marking things off your list of "dream boy" qualities, you realize that you wanted more than that. you realize that those tiny little qualities do not come together to make happy. you realize that those fantasies are better left fantasies, because they don't translate well into reality at all. not at all.

i want the not real.
the perfect without the stale.
the boy without the relationship.
i want to be able to cue the credits.

<3gen