did you ever climb the poplar trees? did you ever throw the young birds against the stable wall?

this year has changed me. in so, so many ways.

i am reading a story about a girl in east germany, trying to define herself as part of herself and also part of her country. and when the wall comes down, who is she? when she has spent so much time defining herself as part of the GDR, part of the party, part of the movement and the stasi and everything her country promised, and now it's been torn down by the youth and their hammers, who is she now? does she have an identity outside of this revolution?

and i ask her the same question that has plagued me: how do you return to a normal that you have never had?

i must now define myself without a relationship. without love, without adoration, without a promise of someone to call, someone to come home to. it is something i have never, ever done. encountered a world alone.

this year began with the greatest heartbreak of my life. a heartbreak that neither he, nor i fully understand or ever will. there are new wounds being opened every day, just when i get the old ones mended. there are dreams or letters i write or conclusions i come to that are frightening and new. there is still so much anger, so many tears that i still have to work to leave behind. it is hard to let go of things that you can barely hold onto in the first place. each day brings new facets to the tragedy of january, ten days before my birthday, fifty-six days before a conversation with god that happened 34 days before the first day of the rest of my life.

so now i start over. i was burned up, destroyed, and now i can rebuild. every month this year seemed to take something new away from me, something that made me cry, made me afraid, made me want to give up. but it also stripped me of everything holding me back, took me down to my bare bones. perhaps god was selling off what i didn't need, sloughing off the old skin to create new. now i can create something out of the ashes of a broken spirit. now i live my life for myself, a life without a "we", without obligation or dependency, a life i have not had since i was 12. a life single.

it seems nothing new, something everyone has to go through. but for me, it is a new start that i have been afraid of my whole life. who will tell me they love me? who will tell me i'm beautiful? who will save me? now i have to do those things for myself, and i think i am finally ready to. i don't have to be sad anymore, i don't have to be angry at you anymore, i don't have to wonder or worry about trust anymore. now i will learn to take care of myself.

do i miss love? of course i miss love, it is glorious. but love does not love back, love does not care what works and what does not work. love does not make things easier. because love exists even when you don't want it to, love will not leave your doorstep when you ask it to, love will not disappear if you beg it to, love will not hide itself when you want it to make things a little easier. love does not listen.

love does not conquer all- you do.

and i am.

it was the hard to leave it behind, walk away from safety and comfort, walk away from forgiveness and easiness, walk away from everything i thought i needed to be okay. it took leaving it behind to finally see that it wouldn't kill me.

this is for me, and no one else. what matters is me, and my happiness, my independence, my survival. what matters is my path, my life, and my decisions to do great things. not held back, not tied down, and not afraid of losing anything. when all that matters is inside yourself, you can't lose anything.

<3gen