wish me luck i know you think i'll need it

"today is a day of endless possibilities!"
she yells from inside her with all of her ability
tiny and bouncy and curly on top
and a light inside her that never gets turned off
sometimes she wakes me with all seven verses
of a little kid song that she never rehearses
because girls like her just don't need practice
in knowing ways to add to your brightness
or how to appreciate the everyday adventure
from shopping for lightbulbs to telling the future
and i got no problem in sayin' i'd be nothin
if i had to live without lindsey mullen

<3gen

that last bit of sanity

so, what could describe me right now?

hm...

miserable is a good word. exhausted, weak, drained. my head hurts, my teeth hurt, my back hurts, my stomach hurts. my fever goes from 102 to 98 in an hour, i shake from cold then i'm rolling in sweat from heat. the coughing rips at my chest and i feel like i'm gonna throw up but nothing happens except dry heaving. i haven't eaten anything in almost three days and probably won't be able to change that. according to my mother [who i trust more than my doctors because the doctors gave me orange juice, which my mother said not to drink, and it made me throw up, so fuck you doctorface] i can only eat chicken broth or clear liquids- nothing with acid in it. however, i don't have chicken broth, nor do i have a ride to get any, because god know i am not driving with tihs many prescription drugs in my system. not to mention i'm out of tissues. damnit.

so yeah, this sucks. and tomorrow is lindsey's birthday, and she gave me a birthday that was so amazing, and i feel like i can't do anything like that because i just don't have the energy or even the ability to barely write her name on a piece of paper. i feel so shitty about the whole thing. but i'm gonna do my best, and we'll see how it turns out.

my sister is coming to visit tomorrow, so that should make me feel better.

<3gen

if you still love me, please forgive me

i think perhaps childhood memories are better left there.

when i was in the third grade, i had a boyfriend named beau cannon. he was the coolest kid ever, and we always played power rangers with each other on the playground, he always rescued me. we would hang out at his house and watch cartoons an dplay in his back yard. he was a sweet kid and i gave him his first kiss [by third grade, i'd already passed that milestone]. but on the last day of school, he left me a gift on my desk, a nice hairclip for my hair, chich was past my hips back then. i went to find him outside to thank him, but i never saw him again. he moved away, and i never knew what happened to him.

ever since, i've looked for him. just in little places. i thought he had moved to mobile, so every once in a while i would google his name or ask someone if they knew him if they were from mobile. nothing spectacular. but since the advent of facebook, i broadened my search. i thought i could find all my old friends, stephanie denise from kindergarten, philip pender who got hot glue on my leg in fifth grade, omar awwad from seventh. i kept searching for beau, and low and behold i found him. we messaged back and forth, talking about power rangers, how he's engaged now and in the air force, and how our lives went from third grade into college.

now he's calling every day. i don't know how to react. i wanted to see how he was, make sure the memories were real, se eif he remembered me too. but now it seems that he doesn't have anyone to talk to, and he's calling me off the hook so that we can sit on the phone in silece. like lindsey says, there's no etiquette to how to deal with this sort of thing, re-meeting your third grade boyfriend, but i don't think this is the way to go. now it seems he's socially retarded, confused, marrying too early, and downright dumb.

the moral of the story, i suppose, is that i should have left it alone. i had great memories with beau, of playing pretend and him un-chaining me from evil's clutches during recess. we played connect four and card games, he gave me a power rangers valentine that i still have in a box at home. it was a bright spot in my childhood, a fun story to tell my friends. he was cute. i kissed him on the black top. we played kiss-chase.

but now, i tseems tainted. with the real beau. the 11-years-later beau. the beau that has nothing to say, and doesn't have any friends, and wants to talk about nothing. the beau who seems a little obsessive, a littel over-excited. a beau i wasn't planning on making time for. and now i feel like that little piece of my life growing up has a stain on it. i suppose i expected to find him and all of a sudden he would still be in third grade, and i would be too, and the past would crawl back soft and without discomfort.

i'm not going searching on facebook for any memories anymore, and i suggest none of you do either. it's lifting up a rock you lifted up as a child, but back then the things you found there were fun, and now they're just scary.

<3gen

he was part son part earth part daughter part sun

the girl was right.

the universe delivers exactly what you need exactly when you need it.

i believe that more and more every day.

and begin to replace "the universe" with "god".

maybe he knows what he's doing more than i give him credit for.

<3gen

without you, the ground thaws

i don't want to have to do this. i would give anything to be able to do things the same way i have always done them. to stay the girl i always was, even though now i'm a different girl than i've ever been. i'm trying so hard and i don't seem to be succeeding at much of anything.

it's time to make some sacrifices. to do things i don't want to do because they are the RIGHT things to do. i will not think about myself. i will not think about what i want. it's not that day anymore.

it's time to start breaking hearts.
i've gotten so good at it,
i can even break my own.

<3gen

there's a secret magic past world, that you only notice when you're looking back at it, and all i wanna do is turn around

i need something right now, or someone.

but god knows what it is.
if only i knew.

i feel so lonely.

i don't know what i want anyone to do about that at all. and i don't know if i want someone to hold me and keep me safe or to tell me they hate me and leave me alone.

i got in a wreck, in case anyone's curious. lindsey was driving, and we are both find save some minor knicks from broken glass. i'm a little overwhelmed, and overreacting to say the least.

i feel completely let down and drained of everything. i give up, completely. why even bother trying? i just feel so incredibly angry with myself and at the world and at god and at everything.

me: camel's back.
this: the straw.

okay. i'm broken. YOU CAN STOP NOW.

<3gen
i wish any of this made sense