the weight of lies

the easiest way is very rarely the right way. in fact, it is probably safe to say that it never is.

i will be a big girl. that is my new resolution. revolution. whatever you want to call it. i will no longer lie down and let things happen. i will no longer wait for good things to get themselves done. i will no longer trust those who love me to never let me down. so many times i have used the metaphor that i am standing in the road waiting for the truck to hit me. this time, i'm moving out of the way.

so many times i set myself up for heartbreak. i lay my little tattered organ out on the table, tape it together best i can, and whisper into its poor, deadened ears "don't worry, this time you will be all right." and i ignore its protests, and i do not listen to the voices that yell at me to get out, save yourself, before it's too late. and low and behold, each time i find ymself crumbled yet again, and just as surprised as ever.

this time it will be different.

it will be hard. to walk away from something, to let an infected wound heal, to give myself time and space to be safe. but the truth is that i am no longer a child, and it is time that i stood up and took care of myself. i refuse to trust that things will fix themselves. and i refuse to stick around and watch them fall to ruin. i would rather have tears tonight and tears tomorrow, than tears two or ten yeras down the road when what i thought would happen eventually, finally does, while i hold myself together and think "i knew it. i knew it. i knew it."

i am deeply, deeply sorry if i have broken your heart.
but i am finally taking care of myself.

<3gen

~
The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town
Cause nothing happens here that doesn’t happen there
So when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from
Cause lies don’t need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere