a song that leonard wrote for me

"Why don't you try" by Leonard Cohen

Why don't you try to do without him?

Why don't you try to live alone?

Do you really need his hands for your passion?

Do you really need his heart for your throne?

Do you need his labour for your baby?

Do you need his beast for the bone?

Do you need to hold a leash to be a lady?

I know you're going to make, make it on your own.

Why don't your try to forget him?

Just open up your dainty little hand.

You know this life is filled with many sweet companions,

many satisfying one-night stands.

Do you want to be the ditch around a tower?

Do you want to be the moonlight in his cave?

Do you want to give your blessing to his power

as he goes whistling past his daddy, past his daddy's grave

the beauty of roommates

[breaking sounds]
me: quit breaking shit!
lindsey from the bathroom: don't tell me what to do.

me: wow, we should open a window to let out the fumes.
lindsey: or we could just get high.

me: lindsey we really need a baby seal.
lindsey: you're right.

me: oh lindsey! my new car has buttons!
lindsey: you need buttons.

me: lindsey, i'm having this big problem with splenda.
lindsey: sounds epic.

lindsey: i really like it when i look at the clock exactly ten minutes after the last time i looked at the clock.
me: how often does that happen?
lindsey: pretty much never, but when it does. oh man.

me: god damn i wish this girl would stop inviting me to her party, i'm not going.
lindsey: hey, some people would kill to have your problems

lindsey: it sucks when i'm eating my sandwich and i have to ask, "was that my fake meat, or a napkin?"
me: that doesn't say much for your fake meat.
lindsey: yeah, especially because i don't even have a napkin.

and just now:
me: i am not finding near as many lindsey quotes as i had first hoped
lindsey: yeah, i'm pretty elusive

sometimes i wish i could stay in this room forever.

<3 ashes

his korean wife

as of late, i hate things. and hate takes alot of energy. i know that just two posts ago i was knee-deep in squishy, hard-to-wade-through love. but now, after a certainly less-than-stellar thanksgiving, which is the understatement of the century, i find myself listing things i hate, rather than can't live without.

i hate that i can't post here how sad and lonely and dissapointed i've been feeling because my ex boyfriend will read it and worry his pretty little head and freak the fuck out and want to know what's wrong and why it's wrong and how he can fix it when, if he understood things as all, he would know that is the last thing i want from an angry rant on my blog.

i hate my father. i hate every thing that he does and every thing that he causes and creates. i hate that he hates me. i hate that i can't get over than no matter what i do.

i hate that i can't come up with great lines like lindsey, or write humor like sini, or be sweet like laura, or keep myself at a distance like cooper, or not be affected by anything like my sister, or let things go like my mother.

i hate that my dreams lately have been nothing but romance and kissing and rescues and torrential love affairs acted out in rain and carseats.

i hate that no matter how much my brain begs me not to, my heart craves relationships in a way that is neither healthy nor comforting.

i hate that something i love i must keep far, far away.

i hate that i am spending so much time hating.
it hurts.

<3ashes

seriously

WHY AM I NOT HARRY POTTER?!

no, really.

<3gen

joy to the world

sometimes i love my life.

i love my little to-do list next to my closet.
i love making bacon egg and cheese sandwiches and watching cooking shows.
i love spending my own, hard-earned money.
i love my stuffed animals sitting on my books.
i love having a printer.
i love my fabric-covered tv.
i love having a place for everything.
i love washing my own dishes.
i love my beautiful room.
i love it when my roommate says things like:
"hey guys, it's 2006, why am i still having to walk places?"
i love new friends who are good for me.
i love having school supplies.
i love packing for home.
i love having a home.
i love making coffee in the mornings.
i love having my life condensed to one side of a dorm room- it's cozy.
i love beautiful days.
i love my cloak.
i love writing good essays.
i love listening to music.
i love my new car.
i love trying to be a grown up, and sometimes it works.

i am thankful for everything god has given me.
and evyerthing my friends have given me.
and everything my family has given me.
and everything i have given myself.

i've got soul but i'm not a soldier,
gen

friends

for lindsey mullen:

for rachel carter:


for harrybear:


for ryan cooper:



and i'm done

i'm in love with the tip of your iceberg

and i wonder will i ever see the rest?

-- Micheal Leviton

check out this wonderous place

lessthanthree, ashes

the artist is the pheonix who burns to emerge

i'm drunk.

seems like aperfect time to post.

my exboyfriend made this blog for me. i'ma lso using his journal to write in nowadays. and i can't colalge over it, but i hate being reminded of what once was. what once was perfect, and how haunts my sleep. i'm sending poetry to boys at midnight and feeling numb. i'm being cryptic and writing songs. i'm being a bad, bad girl.

i'm wanting things that i should never, ever want. i'm wanting to be bad person.

better to reign in heaven than serve in hell.

i'm doubting things i have never doubted. i'm regretting things and i have no regrets. my hands feel warm and my head is fuzzy and full of cobwebs and soft, pliable rage. i feel wasted. in the drunk sense, but also int he sense that i've been all. used. up.

for some reason i just had a flashback to my middle school. i wonder where that came from.

my hands are so warm. maybe it's this keyboard. maybe it's this night.

it's getting cold outside. today it smelled like christmas. my life lately seems a string of dissapointments and misconceptions, wants and needs that never get met, friends that never get where i want to go, talks i never get to have, grades i can never make, leaderships i never take.

i'm starting to give up.

i thought i was starting to get jaded, but this is what's really starting. i'm starting not to feel. i'm training myself to feel nothing. i'm slowly widdling down my emotional state to three basic emotions: love, hate, and loss. do you really need anything else?

emotion has defined my life for so long, i'm hoping i can live without it. the truth is, it has bred nothing but spoiled relationships, rape cases, and suicide attempts. to be honsest, emotion has never done a damn good thing for me.

i am so drunk. my hands are so warm. today smelled like chriistmas.

i think i should change my name.

<3 ashes

no pheonix intended