every year, i go through this phase where i crave god. i start listening to christian music all the time, writing poetry about my faith and praying nearly every time i'm not talking or working. it's difficult because i'm the only christian in my family who's christian, and i get constantly ridiculed for believing in god at all. and i don't have any christian friends here, at least not the sort that actually like to talk about god. i wish i could go to church, but it's my only day to get some decent sleep and i can never bring myself to wake up early enough.
jeremy wants to talk philosophy, and i just want to use god as an excuse for everything. not only to piss him off, but because i believe it.
there is only one thing in the entire universe that you can depend on 100 percent all of the time without any doubt, and when my world is changing constantly and quickly, god is there no matter what and will always be and has always been.
i think i'm about to lose everything, but maybe that's okay for once.
maybe things are better than i think.
i'm talking about art and poetry.
i'm contemplating faulkner.
he's writing a book.
and there's a boy somewhere whose heart i'm breaking.
and a girl somewhere who wants to save the world.
and a child running away trying to escape the army.
without you, the ground thaws.
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"At the end of the day, when I am lying in bed and I know the chances of any of our theology being exactly right are a million to one, I need to know that God has things figured out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is that feeling we get when we let go of our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don't think there is any better worship than wonder."
I would really like you to read Blue Like Jazz.
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