lately, things aren't going so well. i'm worried about a lot of things, and i seem preoccupied with trying desperately to fix something in me that seems to be broken. sometimes i feel like i'm losing it. thta something about me that was really bright and happy. i'm afraid it might be going out, little by little. sometimes i get so overwhelmed with living, i just have to sit and wait and feel nothing until i can move another inch.
and yet, i feel so happy. i listen to music and dance around, or read a good book and feel it seeping into me like sunlight tanning skin. i feel content with things, like maybe things being messed up are how they're supposed to be. and though i might be far from loving myself wholly and completely, i at least find myself a good enough person. i still want to see my friends, to touch them and to be around them, to remember childhoods and highschool and share good music and love poems from dark-covered anthologies on sale at the bookstore. i feel like there is so much going on i should be stressed and crying, but i'm not. i feel the weight of all i must do, but i am not letting it crush me.
is this a good thing? i'm not sure.
really, i just want things to get a little more figured out. i know it can't all be, but just a few parts. i want some answers. i need to do some math- and undo some too.
i'm not afraid of the word love.
but perhaps the word control.
<3gen
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"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only love."
-Mother Teresa
I like that I'm less than 10 feet away from you and commenting on your blog without you even knowing it. I like that you're less than 10 feet away from me a lot of the time.
Life's a scary thing, more so than I'd probably ever admit to anyone...I used to have this odd little habbit that whenever things started to get to me a bit much or I felt unsure of things I'd grab onto my necklace and press the edges softly against my palm, leaving my eyes fixated on it while it sat there.
I'd try to calm down, or stop focusing on whatever was upsetting me and for a moment just realize that just as it came, it'd eventually pass and I'd be about my merry way. Playing back all those nights I remember sitting in the dark with a cigarette dangling from my mouth twirling that damn thing around and around wondering what the hell was going to happen to me you really do eventually realize how big everything is.
Now I sit around at my desk or in my bed reading or typing, desperately wandering what the hell is happening to me, but I've started to forget how to reassure myself, or how to pull myself out of the spiritual gutters I keep finding myself wallowing in.
Don't know if the necklace will do you the same amount of good, but that thing was my protector and my sanity for a long time, and I'd honestly like to think it'll be able to give you at least some of the sanity and happiness it granted me over the years. It's a piece of jewelry, not a magical medallion, but that is quite literally a little piece of me you have.
I didn't intend for this to become the Jeremy hour on your blog, but I figured it might help knowing you're not alone.
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